Setting Appropriate Limits
The first thing every new parent needs to understand is the concept of setting appropriate limits. Parents have two reasons to set rules and limits. The first reason is to protect children and keep them safe. The second reason is to help children grow toward self-control. Limits help your child understand what will be acceptable and not-acceptable behavior between home life and the outside world.
Where do you start to establish reasonable limits and rules for your home?
Begin by following some rules about setting rules for children.
First, make rules humane. There is no place for rules that are punitive in nature and/or make children feel bad about themselves. Humane rules do not humiliate, embarrass, belittle, or degrade the child.
Second, limits should not be arbitrary. Rules should convey to children that you make rules thoughtfully, not just because you can. The rules you set should help your child learn something about limits or life in general.
Third, rules should be out in the open, not secretive. Children, particularly very young children, cannot guess what the rules are. They need to be told, reminded, and reminded again. This is often the most difficult part for parents because we know when someone tells us the rules we just know them and follow them. Young children tend to forget the rules and should have a visual reminder of the basic family rules to help guide them in comprehending what’s expected in the home.
Fourth, limits should be clearly stated and enforceable. Rules should refer to the expected behavior and be clear enough for children to know immediately when they have broken the rule. Avoid “don’t” rules such as “Don’t run” or “Don’t stand on the couch.” Try to state your rules from a positive perspective (“Walk in the house” or “Sit on the couch”). This puts your child’s mindset in a positive direction which will impact them for the rest of their life!
Fifth, rules should be accompanied by reasons. Research has shown that children who are given the reasons behind rules are more likely to listen and to follow rules without parental reminders. However, be brief and to the point. Children need one good reason for each rule, not three or four. Do not elaborate the reason behind the rule, because your young child will only hear about 4 seconds of your reasoning.
Sixth, remember to update your rules. This is particularly important during the first three years when children are maturing and developing so quickly. Limits should reflect new skills. For example, toddlers need strict climbing rules like, “Hold on tightly with both hands when you climb.” As children become proficient in climbing, the rule can simply be, “Climb safely.”
Most importantly, rules and limits should be firmly and consistently enforced. As children grow, they will test the limits that parents set for them. If parents do not set limits and do not enforce rules, children will heed no adult guidance. Firm, consistent responses to broken rules help children learn to follow the rules set for them by their parents. Be consistent with the responses to rule-breaking and you’ll soon find your children respond better to the rules enforced within your home.
Very young children get a sense of security and support from parental rules. Part of your child’s rule testing is an attempt to confirm that you will set limits and keep him/her safe. Children who don’t have an ordered, disciplined life struggle to find out where the limits are by testing harder and longer. Setting limits and enforcing them is a very loving and responsive thing to do.
This will help make parenting easier because your children will feel more secure in a consistent environment. Thus your children will argue or throw tantrums less as they grow older.
Setting appropriate limits is a challenge for all parents. This challenge may begin when children are very young, but it will continue for many years to come. It’s best to discuss the rules with your partner so that you can develop a reasonable list of family rules to enforce. Don’t forget to establish consequences for each rule that’s been broken!
With every rule there must be a consequence that follows should your children try to test their limits and disobey the rule. The consequence should always be something that helps your child comprehends why the rule-breaking was a bad decision and help them develop a better sense of self-discipline.
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